just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
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I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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