I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
