I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
