So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
