also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
