He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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