I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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