I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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