Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
