Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It was confusing and full of hummus
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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