kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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