you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
its not stalking. its research.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
