And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
