I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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