omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize