Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
