I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
