Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I am full of burrito and curiosity
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Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
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At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You did what with his pubic hair?
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