I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
