I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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