Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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