i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
