She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
