then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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