Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
