im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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