I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
