If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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