Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
