your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
