I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
