Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
