who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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