Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
