think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
