I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
