Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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