I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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