"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
that may or may not have been my penis.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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