Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
