im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
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I checked into jail on foursquare
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
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I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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