Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
