I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
