My Higher Power is John Stamos
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I am never drinking with the goths again.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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