When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
