Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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