Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
