she woke up with a sticky ear
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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