i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
