I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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