mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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