U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
