I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
zippers are such a cool invention
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
