just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
