Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
