ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
