At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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