Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
