By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
