Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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