I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
